Day 90




July 4th. My first of many Independence Days in the States. We don’t really know what we are going to do for it. I tweeted many celebrities asking if they could invite me to a party, but they didn’t which is a bitter blow.

We decided to go fishing once again. No fish were biting so we left disappointed and went home to eat some lunch.

Kristian and I played Football Manager whilst Fussell skyped and Steve had his earphones in. So far the 4th of July has been poor. I bliddy hope it improves I do.

I tweeted Georgia, it’s weird that I’ve known her since year 7 when Harry and I were best friends. It’s also weird how Harry is in Australia coaching hockey, to think how many people mocked him when he first started playing hockey (myself included) and now look at him. Good lad.

Anyway, I asked her if she had any space for us boys in her apartment but no male visitors are allowed past a certain time. Or something similarly pathetic like that was the excuse she gave. Regardless, New York is quite far from Gettysburg.

We invited Katie and her friend Lobster Girl over. She didn’t look like a lobster, but her skin colour was the perfect shade of pink. She was burnt to be fair to her. People who live in hot countries should never burn, you know how hot it is gonna be and you know how hot it will be before you burn. At least we Brits have an excuse for burning. We get sunshine fewer times a year than I change my bedsheets.

Anyway, after a few games of Ring of Fire, with which we had American rules for, the girls had to go. This wasn’t because they wanted to, but because Katie didn’t tell her father where she was going. I for one would not mess with her dad; he has an abundance of taxidermy in his house, with which he has killed himself, scary shit. So after the tone of the game went from fun to sexual, as most alcoholic affairs do, they left. Lobster drove us to the nearest bar where we continued drinking for a while, well, a very long while.

I don’t know what we had but I didn’t spend a penny all night, I think. Here is a photo of us:

Fussell and I wingmanned Kristian whilst he was chatting up a black girl, we were distracting this guy that had previously killed someone when he was 17. He got 7 years but got out in 4 on good behaviour. He stabbed someone. He said he didn’t regret doing it but regretted what happened to his family and what he put them through. It’s weird how he told complete strangers that.

A guy called Jimmy got kicked out of the bar for stamping on the American flag. Apparently that’s like, a serious crime or something. We left after that, at about 2:30am and we got Jeff’s 2nd ex-wife to pick us up and drop us off at that house.

I spoke to Brie on the phone whilst I was waiting for the room to stop spinning. I got into bed where Fussell was taking up 90% of the bed, I tried moving him gently but he wouldn’t budge so I shoved him so hard that he almost fell off the bed.

Happy Independence Day homes.



Day 89



We went fishing, the fish didn’t bite and I sweated more than I have ever sweated just standing still. Literally had a puddle in my shorts.

I had the worst stomach ache ever so I ran to the bathroom and whilst in there the light turned off because it was on a sensor. I ended up waving my arms around frantically and it still didn’t turn on. So I had to waddle with my shorts down by my ankles and move around hoping that the light would turn on. Eventually it did, but it only made me sweat more.

After 15 minutes I left the toilet and heard, “JOSH, YOU SHOULD SEE THE CATFISH STEVE CAUGHT” eventually we all caught fish (except Kristian, bless him) and that was our dinner.

Adam dropped Kristian and Steve off to cook the fish, whilst we went out for a few drinks and chips for the dinner.

The catfish was filleted first; we ate it and put it in the sink. An hour later we looked in the sink and the catfish was still moving. So essentially we ate a fish that was still alive. I felt a bit bleurgh about the ordeal, but it tasted decent so I’m over it.

We then left and went back out to fish. The cooler we used had a hole in it which we only realised once it had dripped fishy water all over Kristian, there was an ants nest on the floor where we had previously dropped some of our chicken liver bait and none of us caught anything bigger than 3 inches long, it was a waste of time really but still a good laugh.

I also skyped Daisy for the first time since being here, she wants a snapback. I want Caggie Dunlop, looks like neither of us are getting what we want eh?


Day 88




First day of our week off begins. We decided between us that Washington DC would be our destination for the day.

On the car journey up I carried on playing my FM season. Steve and I witnessed the greatest ever comeback and we genuinely erupted when the winning goal went in. 22 year old Manuel Leça scoring a 20 yard screamer in the last minute from 2-1 down to 3-2 up v Arsenal. Can you tell it meant a lot to me?

It was at least 100 degrees, and even if it wasn’t actually, it certainly felt like it. I was sweating from the moment we left the car to get on the train.

Instead of me writing loads of tales, here are a bunch of photos of the day.

We went to the Washington Monument first:

Followed by the White House.

Ending with the Lincoln Memorial.

We decided we would try and be cultural and so we headed off to a few museums. There was a McDonalds inside and we had trudged through the Washington desert so we rewarded ourselves. None of the boys had any cash except for me and the card machine wasn’t working, so, surprised surprise I paid for it all. Obviously the boys paid me back but I was skint for the rest of the day. I don’t like not having cash on me out here because my card is so hormonal.

I decided I was intent on buying a Washington Redskins hat so we braved the heat again and searched for an Urban Outfitters. I almost got pickpocketed but ended up being safe. As we went into UO we saw a kid getting arrested for stealing over $200 worth of clothes. To say I didn’t feel safe was an understatement.

I left there empty handed but ended up buying a hat next door anyway.

We got to the train station and topped up our tickets with the little money we had left. None of us had any change and once we got to the other side we couldn’t get out because our cards didn’t have enough money on them. The bloke in charge let us through though, if we weren’t English he probably wouldn’t have let us through.

On the car journey home we saw this which exploded as we drove past it, near death experience right there:

We got back from DC and picked up my bags from Kev’s house. We grabbed our previously bought chicken nuggets, took them back to Jeff’s house and then went to bed after a few games of FM and a few quizzes on Sporcle.

I love Sporcle.


Day 87




It took me at least 2 hours to pack up my suitcase, sometimes I can barely fit everything into my suitcase, other times I can fit it all in and have enough room left to place a dwarf inside it.

Someone told me Snow White and the Seven Dwarves was actually about cocaine and the dwarves were all the side effects of it. I can actually believe that.

So, after packing, Fussell, Steve and Kristian came over to watch the Italy v Spain final. I bet Steve $5 that Italy would win. I was confident but I’m not sure why in hindsight.

Fussell cooked us lunch but I can’t remember what it was, all I remember is it tasted good. Wife material or what?

The girl Adam met the other day at the deck party in Olivia’s, Katie, invited us to go to see Ted in the cinema. I’m pretty sure that we were the loudest people in the cinema. I couldn’t control myself. I despise going to the cinema with girls, you don’t talk to them, you wonder if they’re bored, you can’t laugh at the sexist jokes without feeling like a slap is coming your way. It’s an absolute nightmare all round.

Katie brought a friend with called Christine. I think it was clear she had a boyfriend before she even said hi. Body language people. Body language.

We left and went to Katie’s house as she has a swimming pool, my hands became all pruney and horrible. I have a weird thing about me, well, I have a few, one being; if my fingers are pruney then I can’t touch paper, it freaks me out, it feels so gross, even typing about it makes me cringe.

After swimming we all left and played mini-golf, the first 9 I was in 4th place (out of 6), all I’m going to say is, it’s a marathon not a sprint. I ended up in second.

We left and went to McDonalds. Things that really annoy me number 437: people who spell McDonalds as MacDonalds. No. No no no. I went for a drive in the drive-thru with Kristian. I love driving. I really miss Elvis (my car). I wonder if he misses me.

Eventually we got home and Kristian and I started a network game on Football Manager. We were both Spanish teams but it was beyond boring, I couldn’t deal with it. I like doing things at my own pace, like eating, getting ready, and playing FM.

I dislike being rushed, but I do leave everything until the last minute.


Day 86



Absolutely nothing happened until about 5 o’clock other than Fussell and Kristian came over and we just sat on our laptops doing fack all.

All of us were invited to a small concert miles away, Kristian took this photo and instagrammed the hell out of it:

We left to watch a guy called Josh play with his band at a vineyard up in the mountains somewhere. I had no signal up there, bad, but we got free drink, good. This was the view:

The moon was full and after getting a taste of the wine there it wasn’t long before we drove to the Beer-Mart, got some for Jeff too and we were there playing NABP (whoever remembers what game that is wins 1 Josh Marks point).

We ate crab for dinner. It was horrible to actually take the crab apart but it was pretty tasty.

I apologise mother Marks about the amount of alcohol consumption that has taken place. I exercise regularly, have my five a day and make sure I brush my teeth twice a day so I think you should forgive me for this little misdemeanour xxxx.

These Josh Marks points are priceless; you cannot trade them in for anything but they are expensive. It works for every age group. I genuinely got 3 15 year olds to run after one football to see who could get it to me first in return for 1 Josh Marks point. Again, I felt powerful.

Talking of NABP and 15 year olds, Fussell and I dominated Bryar and some other girl at beer pong. Although we only won by about 3 cups, it doesn’t matter. A win is a win.

Another guy called Josh gave me a lift home; I came home to an empty house because Kevin and Ashlyn trusted me enough to be in their house for a few nights without me being there. So I did a post-Area move. I got home, had a bowl of cereal, had a cup of tea and crashed out. Not an eventful day really and the photos of the vineyard don’t really do it justice.


Day 85




I’m 91% sure I want to get a tattoo, not for the hell of it, but because I want to remember that time when I was 18/19, went to America on my own for 7/8 months to coach kids, go on road trips, drink local beer, meet new people and travel around. I think that’s a valid reason. Better than getting barbed wire around my bicep right?

Because my camp ends at 10:30 we got all of the kids in for the final day to clap my kids through the Wembley walkway. One of the girls I coach, Merina, ran up to me, hugged me and called me the best coach ever. No comment.

I went back to help Chris again before his session ended, we had a massive water fight. Cue the action photos taken by Kevin:

I went to talk to the head coach at Gettysburg College, he’s the women’s coach but that’s because the men’s one was in. He’s a Tottenham fan so we had a bit of banter. We traded numbers and hopefully he can help me out.

I came back and helped Kristian’s lot out again. They were so tired from the week in the heat (that’s what that camp should be called) so we changed it up a bit and played this in the playground:

Kevin and Ashlyn had family and friends over for dinner so Violet was shipped out, Luke was at friends and Sedona was pottering around. I came back from getting my haircut, got showered, said hi and bye, then left to play pickup in one hundred degree heat. One. Hundred. Degree. Heat.

I played in goal for the first 45 minutes, didn’t really have to do anything yet I was still sweating. My boxers were chaffing so bad I thought a forest fire was about to break out between my legs, it was a nightmare. I came out of goal for the second half, scored with my first touch then that was it. I was dead. Couldn’t run anymore, couldn’t pass, couldn’t do anything. I thought I was going to pass out.

Fussell lost his temper. Kristian lost his appetite. Chris lost his shirt (because he was showing off) and Craig lost about 5 soccer balls (shocking shooting).

I got home to Kevin’s house and had an ice cold shower then lay on the floor in my bedroom unable to move for a good 10 minutes. I got a phone call reminding me that we had a barbecue organised for us so I had to drag myself up and get dressed. Sweating after a shower is awful. I was so lightheaded and knew I was on a sugar low.

Got myself to the barbecue and couldn’t even eat anything, just had a few bottles of beer and a hot dog and that was it. I was ready for bed. Eventually we left the barbecue and we were on our way to a carnival to watch fireworks. In that moment there was the biggest flash of lightning I’d seen since being here. We went back to Jeff’s house for a few more cans then watched the thunderstorms:

Jeff gave me a ride home and I skyped a tipsy Brie for a while before I fell asleep on the floor.


Day 84




Kristian decided he wanted a helping hand with his kids. So, after I coached my 4-5 year olds, I helped Chris with his 8-10 year olds and then I helped Kristian with his 14-16 year olds.

You have to adapt so fast when coaching these different groups. If I said what I said to Kristian’s lot to mine then they’d all start crying. If I said what I said to Chris’ kids what I say to Kristian’s then they’d think I was being patronising. It’s tough to find the balance straight away though.

Kristian and I taught the kids how to do a bicycle kick and a scissor kick. I did a few demos and connected with every volley perfectly, even if they did go flying over the bar.

After practice Fuss and Kristian came back to mine to watch the Italy vs Germany game. We made ourselves lunch and started looking at hotels in and around Philadelphia for the Coldplay gig, which we hadn’t actually booked yet either. It took us about 2 and a half hours to organise what was going on. After many huffs and puffs we booked the Coldplay tickets, booked the hotel and gave each other a congratulatory high five.

We went off to Jeff’s house (the camp co-ordinator and also Kristian and Fussell’s host dad) and I was warned that I was going to get attacked by dogs. This house is like a zoo, they have: 5 dogs, 2 kittens, 1 bearded dragon, 1 bull cobra and 2 ferrets. Look at these babes.

Mind you I was used as a climbing frame so my legs were scratched to shreds.

We had steak and mac and cheese, decent combo right there, before we headed off to Olivia’s deck party. Olivia’s is a normal sized bar with an outside dance floor and DJ. It was decent. We did shots with Sally (Chris and Craig’s host mum) and between us we received a plethora of girls’ numbers. We also got a shout out for being British and we successfully used the gayest photo ever as a chat-up line.

“Hey, right, think of Calvin Klein and Georgio Armani fused together with a motel6, yep, you got that..? That’s Adam on the right and myself on the left, nice to meet you”

A few drinks later Adam proclaimed that he had won the coaches lottery; basically, if you complete all your paperwork then your name gets put into a hat with all the other camp directors and if your name is pulled out then you win $125. Decent.

Jeff took me home and I had to have a sober conversation with Kev and Ashlyn who, I’m pretty sure, knew that I was intoxicated. Even though I didn’t drink any alcohol…obviously.
I’m so looking forward to my lie in on Saturday, even if I get woken up every morning by the brightness in the room:

Nice way to wake up though right?