Day 30

05.05.2012

505.DIY.Plot.LockUp.Toast.Derby.Laugh.Strange.Surreal.Gaybars.

Female.Oksana.Key.Hero.Seal.

Today is Arctic Monkeys Day and for this reason listen to this song. (If you do not realise why this song, it’s called 505, look at the date of this post.)

I did some DIY the other day but forgot to upload the pictures. It involves my swimming shorts’ magical transformation from an ugly caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly. The inside lining chaffed me when I ran so I decided to face the problem head on rather than spend the rest of my runs holding my balls.

before

after (I’m aware it looks like I’ve shat myself, I assure you it’s the carpet – at least I hope it’s the carpet…)

Steve the Goalie, Alan and I had to set up 4 different pitches in the cold and rain and wind for about an hour. This involved moving goals and putting corner flags in. Fun. We then went to another field where an absolute miracle occurred, here’s the plot, Josh finds baseball, Alan throws ball to Steve, Steve throws ball:

We went to Subway before heading home and watching the last 30 minutes of The FA Cup Final. I wondered who’d helped Matt in the lock-up deliver the programmes. Whoever it was they probably did a superb job without me there…

I went home and made toast with last night’s leftovers of meatloaf. I’m genuinely becoming more American by the day. Have you ever seen bread toasted as superbly as this though? This is a rhetorical question.

I watched the Kentucky Derby with the family, we each picked 4 horses to win, 1 of mine finished 2nd and another finished 3rd. Aidan’s horse won the race. He’s 3 which proves you don’t need to know anything about horse racing to win money.

Before I went out Evan, Aidan and I had a laugh with the webcam:

Adam, Alan, Jake, Steve the Goalie and I decided to go to Wrigleyville for a night out. It was a strange strange night. I still do not know if it was good or not. We arrived at around 10:30, I was desperate for a poo the whole journey. Alan got angry at me for using the word poo and asked me how old I am, because apparently I should have been saying the word shit instead. No.

The most surreal experience happened once we parked the car (30 minutes’ walk away from the main strip mind you). I went into a Japanese restaurant across the road and asked if I could use the bathroom. They let me and once I was walking through the restaurant I realised it had been hired out for a private function. I was busy unloading when I heard a woman talk on a microphone and she said “will all the members of Young Asian Mothers please take a seat and we can get started”. Once I came out of the toilet I walked past everyone who was sitting down in silence listening to the woman on the microphone. She stopped talking and I walked out of the restaurant with deafening silence and having every single person in there staring at me.

We had to walk through a place called BoysTown which is a whole strip of gaybars. That was an experience.

Eventually we got to the straight bars; the first one, Sluggers, told me it would be $16 for a vodka redbull, I almost laughed in the guys’ face. I went for a can of Bud Light for $6, which is still a joke. The Lady Gaga line was working a treat, if you don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t worry, you’ll probably hear it from me soon if you’re female and half-decent looking.

We met up with Sophie and her German nanny friends in Moe’s then went to Deuces where I spent all my time there getting to know a Ukrainian waitress called Oksana, who hasn’t text me back. So, Oksana, once I become rich (not sure how) you’ll regret ignoring me.

I was meant to be sleeping at Alan’s house, but he realised he lost his key when we went for our second Subway of the day, so I had to ring Brent at 2am and ask him if we could both stay at mine. I felt beyond bad. There are always moments in nights that completely sober you up. Whether it’s an argument or a kebab, in this case it was neither, it was just me feeling guilty for waking him up.

It took us an hour to find the car again and we ended up getting home at about 3:30, Brent let us in and then 5 minutes later walked downstairs with a sleeping bag for Alan. What an absolute hero.

If I get cockblocked once more on a night out I’m going to kick a baby seal in the face. Eyebrows.

#MarksyyOnTour

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